One by One

When I was in 7th grade, I discovered that I was a singer. I loved to sing and hell I was fairly good at it. I participated in several singing groups, competed in competitions, at an otherwise really just awful time in my life, singing brought me a lot of happiness. It also gave me something to look forward to. There was a time, when college came around that I thought I'd go to the conservatory, I'd continue to sing, study piano...maybe keep up with the clarinet. But I decided to be a teacher instead and I stopped singing. Funny thing about the voice, that ability fades if you don't use it. But life got in the way, there was no time for joining a choir, friends, life, family....things got hectic, grad school happened, I took in a teenager, infertility, loss......the roller coaster of life. And I let it go. It was a major loss. Part of me gone that I still miss. Every time I sing, I cringe...it's not what it used to be.

There was a song that we learned in chorus in 7th grade called "One by One". I remember how much I loved it then, not for its ease on the ears, but the words really spoke to me in a time of chaos and turmoil. It even came complete with a back story. It went something like this. A mother was searching for a wife for her son. There were three village girls in the running and she just couldn't decide who was best, so she decided that the best way to go about making sure that she chose the best person for her son was to put the girls to a test. She gave them each a large ball of tangled strings. The first girl tried to be the quickest to unravel it and made the ball more tangled and more of a mess. The second girl gave up too quickly and decided it just couldn't be done. But the third, sat down and untangled the ball one string at a time. While she untangled she sang a song about solving problems one thing at a time. How even when things are stacked on her horizon like a looming mountain that seems impossible to climb, she had to just take one step at a time. There was mail to be answered and friends to call and not enough time, but she had to call one friend at a time, answer one letter at a time, fit in one thing at a time until the pile became a hill and the hill became a plain. Until life was manageable. Of course morale of the story..she was chosen as the wife. She'd passed the test.

I've failed it.

Anyway, this song has come back to me several times in my life, but I find it more and more on my mind as my life becomes a tangled hot mess of obligations. ABA, Speech, OT, EI, PT, MRIs, EEGs, Work....the mom to two special needs children thing. I've had to compartmentalize my life in order to meet my obligations, stay organized, schedule every minute. It's overwhelming. I've split my life into categories and some of them have been more neglected than others. Not because I want to, but because I have to. Recently this has lead to some real sadness in my life, a loss I'm not sure my heart is ready for. I'm so sorry friends and family. I'm not perfect and this mountain has overwhelmed me. People are always quick to tell me how much grace I've weathered life with, but the truth is, there are some things I'm failing at royally. I don't know how to be CP mom warrior, Autism mom to the rescue, reading specialist in a level 4 school district with endless energy.....and still be an awesome friend, wife, sister.... it's a huge mountain. Little things that used to bring me joy have brought me to tears.....Christmas cards? Huge undertaking, but I couldn't bring myself not to reach out in that little way.

I keep saying the lyrics over and over and over again. "One by one.....green by green, red by red" But I'm failing miserably. And instead of gaining back my life one by one, I'm losing things one by one. And it's breaking my heart.

The consultant that my school district hired to revamp some of it's programs has a mantra "find what is right in what's wrong" I'm trying. I'm really trying, because this seems to work for her. I want it to work. But the loss, it's overwhelming. Not only have I lost and rerouted my hopes too many times, but now I'm losing people. Not to death, but to the overwhelming taxing that comes with being friends with someone like me, who has problems that overshadow everyday problems, joys, anything other than cerebral palsy, autism, primary immuno deficiency...seizures. There is little left of me to relate to anymore.

While it breaks my heart that the answer to a hard life and loss is more loss, that the natural consequence to a hard life and problems I never asked for, is more heartbreak... It is what it is. I've heard other special needs parents talk about this and always considered myself very lucky. I don't have a lot of friends, I chose mine carefully and I love the hell out of them. I never thought this would happen to me, but it has. I had been warned. It's too hard foe most people to be the friend who always needs to be the support. I tried not to be the friend who always asked and never gave. I failed.

I'll be honest when I'm feeling bitter, I think that I'd like a chance to be the friend on the listening end. I think I could rock the hell out of that. I could be that friend if I didn't have Asher and Lola, I could be really awesome at that. But we each walk in our own shoes and no one is without their own hell. And life isn't divided into people with heartache and people without heartache. At the end of the day all that I can keep coming back to is how isolating this life has become and how alone we all truly are at the end of the day. Instead of sorting through problems one by one, it seems that we lose things one by one.

Dreams, Hope, identity, love, friendship, living without fear, happiness. While I can't remember a time I was happy as a whole, I've had moments of happiness, even in my darkest times. Those moments are vivid in my memories and I replay them often. I have to wonder if any of my current happy moments will be that bright later on. Dear God I hope so, because they are fewer and not as intense. They are fading one by one.

But here is what is right about what is wrong. I sing when I'm sad. I think it is because singing links me to happy memories and times. I've started singing more to my children. I even find myself singing in the shower again, singing in the car. I'm sure I look awesome to other drivers out there. I'm reliving days when I thought I'd run away to Broadway and sing in Les Mis. And my kids love it. Maybe these will be my vivid happy memories later. Or hell even if they aren't for me, maybe they will be for Lola and Asher. Even if that reality is colored differently than it is because of it. I'm okay with that. Anything but more loss please. I'd love to get to a place where I can start adding things back instead of deleting them.

I'd like to be Holly again, not just the person who loves Asher and Lola so much that being their mom is crippling sadness. I'd like to be the awesome sister and friend and wife that I used to see in the mirror. I'd like to be that singer, the girl who played beautiful songs on the piano, the girl who got lost in stories, who could easily laugh and engage in silliness that would make a 5 year old jealous. I'd like to be carefree. I'd love to have something to share in conversation that doesn't have a damn thing to do with autism, cp, PID, reading disabilities. But this is my life. And until I can get through this mountain, one little thing has to be okay. So for now, I'll keep singing to my kids. They have to be enough. Even if there is nothing else. Look for the good in the bad. Just keep looking.

One By One (author uknown)

Sometimes my life is like a ball
of mixed up colored string
So full of knots and tangles
I just can't do a thing
And when I go to sort it out
I realize that I'm
Gonna have to take it
One string at a time

Chorus:
One by one, each shining colored thread
Blue by blue, green by green and red by red
Til the colors come untangled
And the knots are all undone
One by one, one by one

The mail I should have answered
The friends I ought to call
The gifts I haven't given
I just can't do it all
It lies on my horizon
like a mountain I must climb
And I'll have to take it
One thing at a time

Chorus

The songs I haven't finished
Unwritten and forlorn
Are stacked on my piano
Just waiting to be born
The tangled strings of melody
The ragged scraps of rhyme
I'll just have to spin out
One song at a time

One by one, each shining colored thread
Blue by blue, green by green and red by red
Til the colors come untangled
And the knots are all undone
One by one, one by one, one by one.