A Belated Thanks!

This year has been crazy! I'm a little late on my yearly "Thanks" post. I blame going back to work and enjoying Asher too much to have time to blog! Anyway, here it is a little late, but just as genuine all the same.

This year I am grateful for my husband and our little boy. Last year someone asked me if Asher just lights up our lives. I like the way that was put. Asher lights up my life. He is the light in a world that can sometimes be dark, his light is a constant reminder of hope and love, and what can happen if you just have faith and hold strong to those hopes. This year I am grateful that as a Momma who has a miscarriage disorder, that I was able to bring Asher into the world and that despite many setbacks, he is happy and thriving. I am also thankful for my husband, who works long hours, has endless patience, and does whatever he needs to do to provide for our family including staying home from work for a whole week while Asher was sick so that I would not have to call out of work at a new job! I am grateful that Phill understands Asher's allergies and sensory issues because he has been through them himself and that Asher can have a Daddy that can understand him because he has been through the same things and love him from that angle. It takes a lot of patience and empathy to be Asher's daddy and I think that Phill is just the right daddy for the job.

I am finding myself yet again, incredibly grateful for modern medical science. Over the year and a half since we got Asher's difficult diagnosis, I have had the pleasure of meeting many momma's on the internet whose kiddos have simular set backs. I am reminded every time they share a gorgeous picture of their kiddos, that just a decade ago none of these children would have survived. This year I am thankful that Asher has the talented Doctor's at Tufts Floating Hospital for Children and Boston Children's who make sure that he is happy, healthy, and whole.

I am also grateful that medical science can provide us with the information we need in order to plan our family, even if that means the answer is "No you cannot safely have more children" I'm glad I can use that information and make the right choices for my family. I'm also grateful that living in this decade means that our options don't "end" here. That "No" is just the first step on a different path.

Words cannot describe how grateful I am for my friends and family! For my sister Michelle who cares for my son everyday when I go to work like he is her very own child. Knowing that he is safe, being watched over diligently, and loved puts me at peace so I can focus on work while I can't be with my little boy. For my real life close friends, who get me, and support whatever I do. For Ali and for Aiden. For my sister's who have just recently come into my life...who are wonderful amazing women! For my Donna, who is the worlds best grandmother and the greatest friend and support I could ever ask for. And for my brothers who have both decided to make huge sacrifices so that we all may have safe lives. For Joshua, who has recently become a United States Marine and For Nathaniel who will be leaving shortly to serve our country as a Military Police officer. It has been an absolute gift to be their sister. For Addie, who continues to become an amazing young woman. I am grateful that she has direction in life and the natural talent to back it up. Next Great Baker? I think so! I am grateful for our extended family, who shares the ups and downs of Asher's difficulties with us and strives to maintain the patience that our little boy needs!

I am grateful for Kylee who is the coolest little girl I have ever met! She constantly puts a smile on my face and is one of the few people that can make me laugh until my sides split! I am thankful for Ethan James who is now walking and talking! He even says "Please and thanks!" I am grateful to be the auntie of such beautiful and sweet children.

I am humbly grateful to Early Intervention. I can't say enough for these amazing professionals that do not get paid nearly enough. For Asher's OT who can see past his sensory issues and truly appreciates the beautiful little boy underneath! For the hard work she has put in during therapy with him and the difference it has already made. I am also thankful to work with professionals who have been able to give us wonderful advice for Asher and have shared much needed resources.

I am grateful for my new job! I work with some pretty talented and amazing people in a very good school district. I am grateful for Phill's job and the difference we both can make in the lives of others.

And last, but certainly not least. For the friends who have become like family, the ladies that I mostly just see through the internet, but have had the honor of meeting in real life...and for those who I will most definately meet soon...you know who you are. I am unbelievably lucky to have all of you and more grateful that you could possibly know for the friendship you have given me!

This year, I am thankful for Hope.

Decisions Decisions, or Not

Friday morning I had an appointment with a new MFM for my fourth opinion on the yay or nay baby thing. I was hoping to go into the appt and get different news. But it was more or less the same "Its reasonable to say you shouldn't have more babies, but its also reasonable to say its worth trying again" Not helpful. What I did like about this doctor though is that she really did her homework, which included sitting in on a meeting with my liver team, a telephone conference between my endo, liver specialist, and OB GYN, and a comprehensive records review. She went through all my OB labs, all the labs I had at Beth Israel and even the labs from the rinky dink community hospital and the hospital I received all my care at for our first pregnancy. I was very surprised at how prepared she was. She also finally gave me an official diagnosis after looking through my labs and discovering that I did in fact have trace protiens in my urine catches early on in both pregnancies and that in both pregnancies I complained about severe headaches right about the same time. They weren't looking for them because I never had high blood pressure. She also pinpointed when my liver began to fail and when the IUGR started. She showed me all the numbers and how my GD masked the onset of Pre-e, which is why I fainted on the insulin and messed my teeth up. And long story short told me that I had suffered from Atypical Delayed Onset HELLP Syndrome. In addition she talked to me about how my FNH could grow in pregnancy and if they reached a certain size I could bleed to death or need and emergency lobal resection (Which carries a 30% fatality rate) And she was very frank when she told me that she could not assure me that I wouldn't die, although there is a great chance that I wouldn't, there are many case studies of mom's with my condition that have died.

She also said that I would need to square with knowing that I could be asked at any point to end the pregnancy and that Phill and I would need to be okay with that. Which I'm not. She did say that the "new viability" measurement is 19weeks. But I'm just not okay with knowing that the risk of having a micro preemie would be greater than 15%. The major bummer was that she told me straight out that I would not be allowed to go beyond 30-32 weeks because the last trimester is when FNH grow the most and when HELLP would kick in. So no matter what we'd have a baby in the NICU. The chances of me having HELLP syndrome again are about is like 20%. And the last bit of knife twist. The strain that a vaginal delivery puts on your liver is too risky, so if I did decide to have another baby, It would be strongly recommended that I have a c-section.

I know there is more, I can't think straight now. Phill and I have had a good cry. We've talked a little about harvesting eggs and sperm and putting some embreyos on ice just in case we ever hit the lottery and can go with a surrogate. But I think we're both knowing that we're going to have to look into some sort of permanant birth control sooner rather than later. Its just depressing.

Happy First Birthday Asher Benjamin

Asher's jungle baby party was a success. The kids were really cute all dressed up in their costumes! Asher of course wasn't too keen on his, but he had fun at the party which is all that matters.

Its unreal that our baby is already 1! Already walking and talking. Unreal. I don't know how many times I can say this without sounding like a sentimental parrot, but time is just flying now. I feel like I'm chasing it down, trying to hold onto each stage before he changes again.

One thing I have noticed, is now that Asher is one, a lot of people have started to ask me when we're going to think about another one.... So lets just answer that one now, Not for a few years if ever. So moving on....

I'll start going back and editing old entries with pictures at some point.

How do you Measure a Year?

In a little under a week my baby will turn 1! The stage he is in now is really fun! Hes really starting to talk now and hes walking really well. He wants to play outside and explore! I love it. I feel like I'm a better mom now that I get more sleep and he isn't eating every two hours.

But, I'm going to miss his baby days. Sometimes I watch him while he is sleeping or playing and I think "God, this kid is gorgeous!" and I get a little sad, because he may be my last baby and I feel like I didn't get a chance to enjoy his infancy because I was sick and then he was sick. Part of me wants to scream "Do over!" So I can have a chance to go back and just enjoy him.

Tomorrow I'm picking up pictures that Phill and I picked out for a photoboard that we'll display at his first birthday! And I know...there will be tears putting it together.

So here to my last week before my baby becomes a toddler....and I plan to spend it enjoying him!

Cathy

This morning my Aunt Cathy passed away unexpectedly. I had a job interview, so Michelle and Phill decided not to tell me until afterwards. Its a strange feeling to know someone is gone before you really know it. I don't know if that makes sense.

My Aunt had just written a nice email to me a couple days ago about missing us and wanting to see Asher Ben and how excited she was about his birthday. I just feel bad now that we never got to have that visit.

And my heart is broken for Fallon, Josh, and Jason, who have now lost both their parents.

We packed this kids up this evening and we all went to spend some family time at Fallon's house. Its all still really surreal, which I'm sure will change after the funeral.

So I just want to say this now, before I forget to blog later. I'm grateful for the good memories I have of Cathy. And I want to thank her for the things she did for me and my sister when we were children. For taking us in when we needed a home and someone to mother us. For always caring about us. Thank you.

The Epic Fight of Cole vs, Jones

The Epic Fight of The Jones/Cole Household. All I can say is that there was hair pulling, biting, scratches, slapping, and battles scars. I can't say who won, but I can say that it is possible for a ten month old and a two year old to have it out. They were still hitting at each other when they were being pulled away and pushes against us so they could get one more bite/ scratch in at the other, just like big kids. I was surprised that they were old enough to play together, I'm shocked that they are old enough to have an actual fight. What was the fight about? It all was over a purple bowl and who's turn it was to play with it.

Oh boy, we are screwed when Ethan is big enough to "Play" too.

T: Minus 2 Months and Some Change

I've been thinking a lot lately about how much has changed in such a small amount of time. Its bittersweet. Recently, I've been more sad than happy. I think about Asher and I think "This may be the only baby I'll ever have" And then I think about all the stages of babyhood and how he kinda rushed through some of them. I look at my almost ten month old and I no longer see a baby, I see a toddler. And its not perspective, other people with babies that are the same age as Asher tell me the same thing "Your child doesn't seem like hes the same age as mine" or "I look at Asher compared to my baby and he seems like such a big kid, more like a toddler than a baby" Its true. He is in such a rush. I don't know if hes trying to keep up with Kylee or if this is just who he is. But its like he wants to do everything immediately. And I just want him to slow down and be a baby while he is a baby. Recently, I've started pulling pictures for a project that I'm working on. Every month since he was born, I've taken pictures of Asher wearing a onesie with a month sticker on it. I totally forgot and I don't know how, but I stumbled on a picture of Asher with his two month sticker on, and he was standing up even then, holding onto just one hand. And then another picture of him just a month later, standing up in his new suit and shoes, holding onto just one little finger. Has he always been such a big boy? I look at Ethan, who is also a big baby, and I try to imagine him standing up and holding onto one finger....and I smile because that would be crazy. How come at the time, when Asher was doing these things I didn't think "Wow this is crazy" Then I thought "How cool" and now I think "I wish he would slow down a little".

Afterall, what do we have left before his first birthday is upon us....2 months and some change? Thats really no time at all. I love hearing his little voice when he speaks to us. I think its hallarious the way he says "Seuss" it comes out more like Suss...but its there. Or when he says "All Done" or rather screams it whenever we are doing something he wants no part of, like changing his diaper. Or when he tells other babies "This" over and over again, really telling them "This is mine" Obviously he needs to learn how to share. And of course there is "No"....we are working on "Yes", but he has no interest in that for some reason. I love his voice, I rejoice with him when he walks more than two steps, I love watching his pour over books, and play with Kylee for hours.

But it breaks my heart that he is no longer a little baby and part of me is jealous when I hold other nine month olds, who still feel like babies. Who still want your constant attention and don't push you away when you try to play with them. When did my baby get so independent?

In two months Asher will officially be a toddler. And of course we're going to be so proud when he finally gets to eat some really gross allergy free cake...just like any other parent...maybe even more so. But maybe just for an afternoon it would be nice to press pause and enjoy this time. Sometimes I wish I could go back to when he was a newborn and just enjoy holding him that way for a couple hours. I wish I hadn't been so sleep deprived and then so sick, I didn't enjoy that time as much as I should have and that makes me feel guilty. All I could think then was "I wish I could get some sleep" Sigh....hindsight.

To Walk or Not to Walk......and Other Things that Boggle the Brain!

That is Asher's question. He has on two separate occasions taken two steps and then promptly fallen on his face attempting a third! But its progress. Soon we'll have a walker and then....watch out world!

It boggles my mind when I stop and think of how quickly Asher has gone from helpless infant, to mobile little boy! In a week, he'll be nine months old. Three months from now He'll be one! ONE! A toddler. And as much joy as each new stage brings, it hurts my heart a little that my baby will no longer be a baby. Asher Ben just might be my last baby too and I don't know how to feel about that just yet.

I love watching him play with other kids. In that aspect he is very very social. He loves playing with Kylee and is constantly trying to keep up with her....thus the early mobility. It melts my heart to see the little smile that suddenly appears on his face each morning when he first hears her voice! He cannot wait to get downstairs and play with her.

A couple days ago we had Aiden over, Aiden is 3 weeks younger than Asher, and the two of them played together the entire time. Like games. Who can keep the purple bowl and even a VTEC music toy was shared for over a half hour. They are growing up and acting more like little kids than babies. It truly boggles the mind. When did that happen? Was I not watching closely?

We're gearing up for another food trial in a couple weeks since the winter squash trial went so well! I'm nervous and excited for another trial. This time we will be taking summer squash and zucccini for a spin. Fingers Crossed!