There is a part in the song that talks about what ifs. Like what if I was born 30 years before you, we never met and one day you walked by me on the street....would I know that I had missed out on everything about you that makes my life so amazing, special, unique? What if you belonged to someone else? What if my sister had different parents? What if I went to a different college, Phill stayed in the army and was killed over seas....and I never had these children? My babies. These kids who keep me up at night, worry me, these two amazing special needs, beautiful children. What if?
And I spend a lot of time thinking about our bad luck. Death, Miscarriage, Autism, CP....and the things that came before that. A failed adoption, fostercare, a very lonely and deprived childhood. So unlucky. But really, what if those things were different? Would the things that make my life so beautiful still be mine?
Like my son, with his big green blue eyes that I would know anywhere. And my little brown eyed amazing girl. "cause in a wide see of eyes, I see one pair that I recognize and I know that I am the luckiest" And as corny as it is, I am still, Autism, CP, PID, seizure, stroke....I still am, the luckiest. Because at the end of the day, I would never want to live my life without this husband, not just any husband, but this one. This little boy, not any little boy, but this very boy, this imperfect boy and everything that makes him who he is. He is mine. And if I wished away Autism, maybe that life would have been easier, but maybe this little boy would have been given to someone else. And that life....I don't want to know that world. The one where I may pass a little boy with blue green eyes on the street and wonder if I knew him, just for a moment and then moved on. That little boy, everything that makes him who he is...belonging to someone else. I am the luckiest.
And this little girl, this little girl who keeps me up at night worrying about strokes, developmental milestones, shrinking growth plates, PT and orthotics, sedated MRIs and brain damage. What if I wished the CP away and that life was easier? But what if this amazing little girl belonged to someone else? What if in her place I had a different girl and saw my Lola someday at a school play, with her fluffy owl hair and her warm little brown eyes, her spark, her smile and she belonged to someone else? Would I know what I was missing out on? The joy of being her mom. Because I wished away the hard part?
And that life is unrecognizable to me. Those what ifs.....it's nice to think....but I don't want them. Because this imperfect life, it's too much to lose. It's part of me, they are part of me. That past that sucked, but it lead to these children. And they came with baggage. But I'm learning, everything worth having does come that way. And We, Phill and I. Michelle and Kris. Our little family. We really are, Autism, CP, Dyslexia...We really are the luckiest. Because look at what we have. And those four sets of eyes, I'd recognize them anywhere, even if the what ifs happened, I'd always know, there would always be a void and I'd wish for this life, with these little faces, these gorgeous souls, and everything this life entails. Because really....just look at them. Then try to tell me that I'm wrong. But you can't can you?
